Accountability

It seems to be such a black and white situation. People either have it or they don't. A few of these kids I've come across have a fairly firm grasp of it. Some have none. The one who just flew this coop had none.

Everything was always someone else's fault. And when she did take responsibility for something in her heart, and speak about it, it was never anything of value to take responsibility for. For instance, she felt horribly guilty for seeking help when she'd been sexually abused. She took full responsibility for "causing" the state workers to intervene, and she took full responsibility for "causing" a court hearing and all sorts of other activities. She can hardly talk about it, the guilt is so thick.

But then we have even the simplest things that she can't ever seem to stand up and own. Her chores were the dishes and running the vacuum. Not a bad gig for a girl her age, eh? But she'd avoid it like the plague. That part I understand. Often I avoid chores like the plague. We all probably have those times. But then a time would come when someone was coming over, or even might come over, and if she was nowhere to be found, or moving slow, I'd have no choice but to step in and take care of it. This wasn't confrontational. I just got it done and expected she'd step in next time and do her thing. If you knew how much turmoil this kid caused, you'd understand we really avoid the nitpicky stuff becoming any sort of issue. I don't want to hear her whiny crap about dishes when I have to deal with her deciding that since she's possibly only 6 months or so from bagging a new boyfriend, she should probably get on birth control so she's ready. There were certainly always bigger fish to fry. Anyhow, on those occasions that I'd step in and do the dishes? So they were done? She'd feel some guilt that it was obvious she had not taken care of her responsibilities and she had no way to blame the situation on anyone else. See, if I hollered at her about the dishes? She'd be too busy seething with anger that someone dared yell at her. So she wouldn't care about the fact that she hadn't done what she was supposed to. The only thing of issue would be that someone got angry at her for what she felt was no justifiable reason.

She failed a few classes her first semester of college. The reason? She decided the online format of these classes was too much work, and was unfair. Nevermind that she quit doing the work three weeks into the eight week class. It wasn't her fault.

She got a job when she was 16, and needed a bank account. I told her why she should use a credit union, and how it would benefit her in the long run. I got papers for her, and in the meantime, she ran and opened a checking account at a bank. How she managed to do this at 16, I don't know, because a 16 year old cannot be part and parcel to a contract of any sort. Every check or swipe of a debit is a contract. The agreement between the bank and the account holder of a checking account is a contract. But I digress. I asked her several times how she was going to maintain her checkbook and balance her account, because she had no access to a computer, could not receive mail from a bank where she lived at the time, and was spinning out of control with this newfangled debit card. She insisted she'd be fine. But when she overdrafted countless times, and the bank finally closed her account, it wasn't her fault. They should have TOLD her the rules, not just showed them to her on a piece of paper she had to sign.

When she lived here with us and decided she might need a credit card, I told her she should not apply for anything while she has the checking account problem on her credit, because it will cause another hit to her credit, and a denial, neither of which help her situation. Sure enough, only a matter of months go by before Chase sends a letter saying thanks for her interest in their platinum mastercard, but no thanks overall. I ask her why she deliberately did exactly what she was told not to do, and her response? She didn't seek out the offer - it came right to her e-mail box. So it isn't her fault. All she did was fill it out. This particular one I couldn't even respond to. I was too busy thinking, is she this stupid? Really? I hollered at her good for not following directions, a skill that most six year olds can master but she struggled with daily at 18.

She ran into the stop sign at the end of our street. We reminded her you have to drive according to the conditions outside. She insisted that no matter what the weather, you should be able to drive 25 in residential. It wasn't her fault. It happened because there was too much ice, not because she drove too fast on it and couldn't stop.

She hit a parked car in an parking garage. It wasn't her fault. They parked too close to her car, so she "had" to hit them in order to get out and leave.

Our microwave broke recently. She's being told constantly to watch how much money she's blowing daily, and save some. (Which she simply cannot do.) When several days went by, and she was running out and spending money on at least two meals a day from drive thru windows, we reminded her that it costs a lot of money to do that. She replied that it wasn't her fault she had to buy food at fast food places because our microwave broke, so she couldn't "cook." I suggested a turkey and cheese sandwich, or maybe eating dinner with us as I'd asked her to do a few times and saw no interest, and she just left the room.

Nothing can ever be her fault.

Without a doubt, even her choice to run away will somehow in her mind be our fault, or the "system's" fault. Maybe both. But definitely not hers.

Packed

The foster kid's stuff is packed and ready to roll. That was a heartbreaking task, really.

Now on to catch up the rest of the house....

Brownies & Coffee for Breakfast

The struggles that have been going on in my life are starting to come to a close. Most, if not all of them, I could not discuss openly on the Internet.

But here's a synopsis.

My mother lost her job. It was a very unfair situation. She had a mock grievance process available to her, and she used it. She is not represented by a union, unfortunately, and the grievance process they have does not typically reinstate people who are discharged wrongly. In her case, it was so blatant, that she was reinstated with full back pay, and an apology. But, going through the process nearly killed her, and thus broke my heart in the process. If anyone reading this thinks unions have "had their time" or actually are a detriment to society, I have two things to offer to you. First, you are almost guaranteed to have never been part of a union that you needed. Second, you are almost guaranteed not to have a firm understanding of exactly what the union was formed to do, and the purpose it has served for people who now work in the NON UNION PRIVATE SECTOR. Like me. (Well, when I'm actually employed, that is.) Big business has put many stigmas out there that people believe, and those people don't realize how they are hurt by the whole deal. I beg you all to question this, and seek answers for yourself. I have formally studied labor relations in a non-partisan program - simply because it fascinated me. I was a believer that unions were becoming "old news" before I went through this program and was enlightened. That, with a better understanding of how an "economy" works, changed my personal view, and then made me angry that the media and businesses have the power they do to change the stream of information to the public. This is America, and it's supposed to be home of the free and the brave. Not home of the censored and belittled.

Anyway, she got her job back.

My sister came to me with a legally charged issue that she needed help with, and I was able to give her some help. That issue isn't fully resolved yet but I believe it is very close. She's not in any trouble. It's really one of the stupidest things I've ever heard of. So that is close to resolution.

I've been in the midst of struggle with our foster child. This has been the biggest strain on me for some time now, and the biggest cause for my being pulled away and not being able to write what I needed to write on here. She ran away on Thursday, and is staying in an undisclosed place with a "friend." One of the details in this situation has rendered her beyond our trust, and she will not be allowed back. For any of you who know anything about this particular young person and what we've gone through on her behalf, you know that's a big deal. I have kept a basic paper journal over the course of time. That information will likely get published at some point.

The therapist who is hired to do in-home therapy with the (former!) foster child came over this morning - he was far more worried about us given the situation than he was worried about her.

So here I am in my home that I love beyond measure, with only my husband and our pets. Relieved from the hardship and struggle that has been so prevalent in our home. Relieved from the worry about my parents' financial status. Peaceful. Happy. And not sure if we want to do foster anymore, or at least for a while. We need a break. And yes, breakfast is brownies and coffee. Life is good right now.

One request - please visit www.momentswithmoriah.blogspot.com (sorry I can't remember how to link) and leave love for this family if you have time. Now, I'm off to visit all my favorite blogs and see if Amy has started painting. Ciao everyone.

Wordless Wednesday

Apology. And a robin.

I've been MIA from writing for days, which should be a rarity if ever an occurrence at all. It's partially due to being very busy trying to help Aaron wrap up the tail end of his semester here. (I should say midmester - his stints are 8 weeks long each.)

But more influencing than busy days around here is a lack of anything positive to think about or write about. It's been a time of serious fear and worry. It's not as though these problems and fears are so personal that they can't be shared. It's really more that there is no humor or hope found in their descriptions. It isn't worth the time to write them and risk spreading dread. Also, it's not even as though I'd want to reflect back on those words later on this blog. I can promise you that when this time passes, most of it I'll prefer to forget the finer details of.

I know that's vague, which might be annoying to readers. I'm sorry for that. What I will say is that we're an entire family, all of working class people, and the economy in the Detroit area is really, really bad. Going through some of this myself is one thing. Watching my parents get touched by it is something else. It's devastating. And right now, every one of us is in fear of one kind or another.

And then right behind the fear and worry is the guilt that we are all still living under roofs with running water, heat, and electricity. The news this morning showed footage of these various "shanty towns" where newly homeless people have moved into tents. Tents! This took my mind driectly to a family I've known for a very long time with three young children who just lost their home. They live about four or five miles from us.

Just now I peered through tears into the backyard and saw the first robin of the season! Spring is here 11 days early for me.

I got a picture of it. I'm not sure if it's really visible in the picture or not, but it sat there while I snapped a shot.

Isn't it funny how little messages of hope come right when you need them the most?

Wordless Wednesday

A Raise!

Fellow unemloyment draw-ers, I got a fancy letter today advising that we all get a $25 a week raise!

The sad part is, I'm sincerely excited about it. I used to do $25 a week to any given charity and not blink an eye. Now that little amount a huge help with bills.

Thanks Obama. I appreciate it. Now on to the rest of your stimulus plan.... A job would be good....